Bridging the Orgasm Divide

The slightest hiccup can destroy a healthy, happy sex life if you’re not honest and open with each other. For straight women, being able to guide a lover can mean the difference between having an orgasm together or not at all. Ever.

You’ve probably heard of the orgasm gap: that men orgasm more frequently and reliably with a partner than women do. There’s a reason why: women need clitoral stimulation in order to climax and – rather unhelpfully – our clitoris is outside the vagina rather than inside.

This means intercourse – how most couples expect to orgasm – doesn’t work. It does nothing to stimulate her most sensitive part. It is, however, a highly effective method to produce an orgasm for him. His most sensitive part, the frenulum, gets a nice, thorough seeing-to as it’s rubbed up and down the vaginal walls.

End result: happy man, not so happy woman.

Happily, this problem is easy to fix. Most couples solve it by adopting the ‘she comes first’ mantra. Her lover brings her to orgasm first by directly stimulating the clitoris using their tongue or fingers (or a sex toy) through oral sex or masturbation. Then he has his orgasm during intercourse. Easy!

Thing is, while most women are all too aware of the orgasm gap, lots of guys aren’t. Which means it’s up to you to let him know.

If it becomes startlingly clear that your new lover isn’t aware that most women don’t orgasm purely through penetration, here’s what to do. Start by suggesting you both have oral sex: it’s the surest route to orgasm for lots of women. If he’s not hitting the spot, say, ‘Can I tell you how I like it? You’re really good at it but I like it a certain way’.

Think of sex instruction as a compliment sandwich: say something nice first (I love it when you touch me with your fingers) put the guidance in the middle (especially when you do it really, really softly) then seal the sandwich with more praise (that feels just perfect, you’re so good at this!).

Another easy way to bridge the orgasm gap is to use a vibrator together. Vibration is by far and away the most effective way to stimulate the clitoris. Lots of women wouldn’t have any orgasms at all if it wasn’t for the humble vibrator. A world without them would be a very sad place – one I certainly wouldn’t want to live in! Couples who use vibrators together reduce the orgasm gap significantly. It’s a win-win for sexually secure people.

I know, it can be terrifying talking about sex – especially if you’re not used to it. But once you get past those first few awkward minutes, most couples find it’s much easier than they thought.

Never talked about sex before? Try saying something like this: ‘I love you and love our sex life and want it to be as good as possible. Let’s make a pact to always let each other know what we like and don’t like. One thing I really like that you do is…..”