Enthusiastic Consent: Why 'Yes' Isn’t Always Enough

And we’re not talking a mumbled ‘OK’. These days it’s all about enthusiastic consent. You’re after a, 'Hell, yes I want to have sex with you!', not a tentative nod.

Most people under 30 are acutely aware consent is an issue. But few understand exactly what it means – and how to ask for it without ruining the mood.

If you’re giving consent:

Speak up the second it’s clear the person you’re with is going to expect sex. I’m talking before you share the Uber to one of your places, not when you get there. If you’re up for a drink but that’s it, make it clear.

It doesn’t need to be heavy: If you really like the person but it’s just too early to take things further, say so. Say, ‘You are incredibly sexy/gorgeous but it’s just too soon for me. I might say yes in a week/month (or whenever suits you) but not right now’.

Make sure you’re in the right headspace: You don’t need me to tell you it’s better if you’re not drunk or high. But emotional vulnerability can also affect decision making. If you’ve just broken up with your partner and out on the town, you might say yes to something you wouldn’t usually.

Check you’re saying yes because you genuinely want to. Not because you feel you ‘should’ or are worried what will happen if you don’t agree. Don’t let things like peer pressure, societal expectations or being judged influence you.

Just because you’ve consented to one thing, doesn’t mean you’ve consented to everything. Saying yes to sex, doesn’t mean yes to anything that person wants to do.

You can change your mind at any time. Even if you’re already said yes and doing whatever you said yes to, you can stop if you feel uncomfortable.

Trust your gut. If something feels off or you’re uncertain, don’t go there. We are more intuitive than we give ourselves credit for.

If you’re seeking consent:

Don’t assume silence or them not speaking up means they’re happy for you to proceed. Ask directly if they’d like to have sex. Be clear and straightforward and make it plain that they should tell you immediately if they aren’t enjoying something.

Read their body language: If they’re saying ‘Yes, that’s fine’ but they seem uncomfortable and unresponsive, check in again. If you’re unclear if they’re enjoying it or not, stop and ask how they’re feeling.

If someone says no, respect it. Don’t make them feel bad for not wanting to do something just because you want to. Always remember: your ‘yum’ is someone else’s ‘ick’.

Practise digital consent as well. Sharing intimate images without permission is breaching consent on a extreme level – and could land you in court. So can forwarding private messages or emails.